life takes a different path
I abandoned this website for a very long time -- but I did not give up the dream. My dreams have been a part of my brain and body and being since I was fifteen and they have changed very little, only evolved to include a more inclusive and effective approach. But dreaming is not easy and being a dreamer is even harder. Dreaming big can sometimes come near to killing you, especially when those dreams take you to places with sub-par hospitals and lack of mental health medications.
So I took a year off, put the book on pause, lived in Rwanda, and more than anything I lived in a cloud of bipolar medications that made me feel like a half-human, mourning the loss of "the dream" in Guatemala and mourning the loss of my manic brain when I decided to take medication seriously.
I moved to halfway across the world to a tiny post-conflict country in order to get the most boring job of all times that completely killed my hope of following the original dream. BUT because I had no work, I spent the year going to the most amazing therapy of all time. I have had therapists in four countries, two continents, and two languages. I have a lot of thoughts on therapists due to said experience and I hereby declare my therapist in Rwanda as the best therapist in the whole wide world, for me. So the career path dreams came to a crashing halt, but at least I had good therapy.
I have found it difficult to write on this platform during the last year because I felt like I was completely useless and doing nothing to 'Be the Queen of the World'. I was the queen of status quo. I was the queen of taking my medications and sleeping on time. I was the queen of buying the overpriced imported cheese in Rwanda to avoid the rotten tasting locally made cheese. I was not the queen of the world and I was not living my dreams. But I was getting some great therapy. The best in my life.
So my path changed. They say you can't plan your life out, and "they" are probably right. I had my life planned out - I was going to climb the bureaucratic ladders and I was going to make ineffective organizations effective, and together we were going to improve the livelihoods of rural communities around the world. I found out that this particular path in life did not appreciate women, or ambitious people, or talented people that threatened the status quo, or people who were different, like me with my bipolar, and I pushed and pushed but "the path" slammed me down each time. Like that tree at Hogwarts that just thumps the crap out of you if you try to walk by it. My career path has been doing that to me.
After a year of living in Africa for a year dedicated to intensive therapy and thumping from the Hogwarts tree telling me that I was not welcome on the career path, I finally figured it out. THIS IS NOT MY PATH. And my inner voice said, "are you sure?" and then I got slammed around by a giant tree again and I thought. THIS IS NOT MY PATH. And then all of my insecurities taht made me feel safe in place in this career path said "are you sure?". And after a year of the most amazing therapy ever I can tell you with 100% certainty that THAT WAS NOT MY PATH.
I do not know if the path I am on now is the right path but I do feel again like I am on my way to being the queen of the world. I feel that I am challenged and fighting against serious problems in the world. I also feel good about being able to sleep enough and take my medications (and find them in the country) and still be a professional and functional person.
So have I found my path? I don't know. But I want 'BeTheQueen' to be part of this new path because the inspiration and motivation to make the world by being a leader in the movement is definitely still part of my dream and I will make it part of the path. Thanks for your patience in waiting for me to come back. Sometimes getting beaten to a pulp by imaginary bewitched trees is just what you need to find a better path forward.